You’ve been alive for another 90 days, and as a reward, The System has decided you are no longer trustworthy. Please change your password immediately.
Yes, again.
No, we don’t care that you just changed it.
No, you may not reuse the old one, even if you add an exclamation point and whisper “this time I mean it.”No, you may not just change the 123 to 234. We can tell.
No, swearing will not make it work the 15th time you try.
Step 1: Remember All Your Passwords (You Can’t. Nobody Can)
Your current password is something like:
Autumn2023!
Which was clever at the time. Seasonal. Festive. A little slutty with the exclamation point.
Unfortunately, the system remembers everything. It remembers your last 14 passwords and won't let you re-use any of them. It remembers the password you thought about using once. It remembers the password you dreamed about in 2016 and found funny cos it contains the word "bum". It remembers your sins. It isn't forgiving. Confession won't save you. So now you must invent something new.
Step 2: Create a Password That Is “Strong” (Emotionally Abusive, or Expletive heavy, possibly)
Your password must contain:
One uppercase letter
One lowercase letter
One number
One symbol
One hieroglyph
The blood of a unicorn
A riddle whose answer is “regret”
yesterday's wordle answer
But NOT:
Your name
Any word in the dictionary
Any word adjacent to a dictionary
Anything you’ve ever loved
Anything memorable in any way
Length: between 12 and 64 characters
Unless it’s exactly 12 characters, in which case it’s too short. Somehow.
One uppercase letter
One lowercase letter
One number
One symbol
One hieroglyph
The blood of a unicorn
A riddle whose answer is “regret”
yesterday's wordle answer
Your name
Any word in the dictionary
Any word adjacent to a dictionary
Anything you’ve ever loved
Anything memorable in any way
Unless it’s exactly 12 characters, in which case it’s too short. Somehow.
Step 3: Try Something Reasonable.
Ok, you can do this. There's a squillion words, how hard can it be? You type:
ThisPasswordSucks2026!
❌ Password cannot contain common phrases. Okay. Fair. The system felt attacked. You try:
Th!sP@ssw0rdSuck$
❌ Password is too similar to a previous password.
YOU HAVE NEVER USED THIS. YOU HAVE NEVER USED ANYTHING SIMILAR.But the system feels like you might have, and that’s enough. There is no appeals process, the computer says no. End of.
Step 4: Descend Into Madness
You’re getting creative with the expletives, and coming up with winning combinations and mash ups that you’re thinking of patenting. Or
Now you’re just slamming the keyboard like a raccoon trapped in a server room.
Q9!zX$R7@pL#2
✅ Password accepted.
Do you remember it? Of course not. Rage password creation causes temporary memory loss and/or insanity. Did you remember to unhide it so you could make a note of it? NOPE.
Will you have any chance of replicating the tantrum with the exact keystroke sequence?
Absolutely not. You accidentally ask google to never remember your passwords. Ah, beans. You immediately forget it forever.
You’re getting creative with the expletives, and coming up with winning combinations and mash ups that you’re thinking of patenting. Or
Now you’re just slamming the keyboard like a raccoon trapped in a server room.
Absolutely not. You accidentally ask google to never remember your passwords. Ah, beans. You immediately forget it forever.
Step 5: OK so let’s start over then.
You log out. You log back in.
❌ Incorrect password.
You reset it again. Four automated email time outs and a "Glory Be" later, The System helpfully suggests:
“Your new password must be different from your last one.”
You wail “IT WAS BORN 12 SECONDS AGO. WHAT DID I JUST TYPE? CAN I USE IT TO LOG IN?”
System: No - You've reset your password, it's dead forever, may it rest in peace.
Step 6: Swear Loyalty to the Void and bargain with the deity you may or may not believe in.
At this point, your password is not security. It’s a ritual forged in despair and swearwords, an assault course of keyboard taps. A spell you cast. A curse you endure. A tiny digital sacrifice to keep the hackers, demons, and unpaid interns at bay. Somewhere, an IT gremlin nods solemnly and scuttles back into the vents carrying a stolen mars bar and a 40ft long ethernet cable.
Will changing your password stop cybercrime, considering you turn your laptop on twice a month at most? No, probably not. Will it stop you from accessing your own account at 2 a.m. Or 2 p.m, for that matter when the super urgent thing that expires in 2.8 minutes has a countdown clock? Yes. Absolutely. And that’s the real security feature.
Now change it again in 90 days, you gorgeous disaster.