March 30th is apparently
Which I can only assume was invented by someone who has never supervised children, animals, or sentient pandemonium instigators after 4pm.
Because let me assure you, as the official Gremlin Wrangler, that is not how this works.
That’s not how any of this works.
Being “in control” implies a level of authority over events that simply does not exist in my household. I do not control the events. There is no control.
Ever.
I merely document them as they unfold.
For example, recently I was technically “in charge” while the gremlins conducted what can only be described as a large-scale experimental study titled:
The answer, it turns out, is nothing good.
Oreos were dipped.
Oreos were briefly used as projectiles in what I can only assume was a physics demonstration.
Oreos were flung with the sort of reckless enthusiasm normally reserved for cartoon characters wielding ACME hammers.
Milk was spilled in quantities normally associated with agricultural accidents.
At one point someone attempted to dunk a turnip, which I feel strongly was not part of the original experiment but somehow became a secondary research project.
Did I stop this?
Of course not.
Because the gremlin wrangler’s job is not to control the gremlins.
Control is not one of the limited number of options available.
The gremlin wrangler’s job is to stand in the kitchen, holding a roll of paper towels, quietly asking the universe:
“Why are they like this?”
So yes.
March 30th is I Am In Control Day.
And I will be celebrating in the traditional manner.
By discovering what new and creative ways the gremlins have found to prove that I am not.
And hiding in the pantry with a large bar of Emergency Chocolate.