Crayons, Capitalism, and Earl’s Latest Entrepreneurial Epic.

There are ideas that change the world.

There are ideas that make you question the world.

And then… there’s Earl.

Today, in honour of Crayons Day, we gather not to celebrate colour, creativity, or childhood nostalgia—but to document a crime against both biology and basic reasoning.

It started, as these things often do, with Earl overhearing something he absolutely should not have.

The words: “Wax Crayons.”

Now, most people would hear that and think: “Oh, interesting. That’s what crayons are made of.”

Earl, however, is not most people.

Earl is… innovative. To a pathological and definitely stomach clenching degree.

🧠 Earl Math™ (Patent Pending) 🧠

Earl has recently discovered two key facts:


  1. Crayons are made of wax

  2. Babybel cheese (which I got in a misguided attempt to offer something fun and different for a snack) is also covered in wax

Now, a lesser mind would stop there.

Earl's did not.

Instead, he combined these facts into what he believes is a revolutionary business model:

 

EaT WAX  

↓  

PO0P WaX  

↓  

CRAYONS MaKe THemSElVeS 

↓  

PROFIT

               

 I would like to pause here to confirm:

Yes. This is real.
No. I cannot stop him.

💡 The Pitch (Unsolicited)

Earl has described this as:

  • “Sustainable”

  • “A Circular Economy”

  • “Basically Free Materials”

  • “Artisanal/Handmade”

He has also used the phrase:

“Farm to table to… table again.”

I am deeply unwell.

🎨 Product Line (Allegedly)

Earl is already brainstorming product names:

  • “Taupe and Glory”
  • “Digestive Darks”
  • “PantsTone Essentials™”
  • “Crappola Crayons™”


There was also an attempt at a slogan:

“Draw from within.”

We will not be moving forward with that.  Should small children or anyone particularly impressionable be reading this, please note that we do not condone this or any other of Earl's behaviours, ideas or schemes. Don't be like Earl.  Be literally ANYTHING else.   On second thought, just don't do anything.  Just sit and stare at walls. That'll do. 

Oh dear Lord he made Flyers.  It's still a hard pass. 


🚫 Concerns (Many) 🚫

Let’s be very clear:

This is not how digestion works
This is not how crayons work
This is not how anything works

Also (And I CANNOT stress this ENOUGH):

Absolutely no one has asked for this.

⚠ Current Status ⚠
Earl has been banned from:

The kitchen
The craft supplies
Any conversation involving “business opportunities”

He is currently sulking and muttering about “visionaries being misunderstood.”

🖍️ Final Thoughts🖍️

On this Crayons Day, let us celebrate creativity…
but maybe draw the line (ha) somewhere before gastrointestinal manufacturing.

And if you take nothing else away from today, remember:

Just because something is technically made of wax…

does not mean you should try to become a wax-based production facility.

Earl is, unfortunately, still workshopping phase two.

Please send help. The Coastguard. Something. 

—or snacks that are not wrapped in wax.