I say “possibly” because Leroy doesn’t believe in labels, continuity, or trousers with a consistent purpose. One minute he’s aggressively existing on a 404 page like a cryptid with WiFi access, the next he’s out here—coat flapping, eyes wide—living his best woodland-adjacent life.
Today’s hobby: mushroom hunting.
Now, let’s be clear. Leroy is not what you’d call *qualified*. His process appears to involve wandering into a suspiciously vibrant patch of grass, pointing at anything red with white spots, and declaring, “Yes. Food.” There is no book. There is no app. There is only confidence. Dangerous, unwavering confidence.
He has constructed—if that’s the word—a tiny mushroom village. Or he’s discovered one. It’s honestly unclear. The residents (if they exist) are either deeply concerned or already gone. Leroy, meanwhile, is holding what looks like a mushroom that absolutely has opinions about being picked.
He’s thrilled.
Of course he is.
There’s something about the whole scene that feels… off. Not in a “quirky countryside charm” way, but in a “this is how stories start that end with a cautionary tale and a footnote” kind of way. The mushrooms are too neat. Too cheerful. Too *storybook*, which is never a good sign when Leroy is involved.
And yet, here he stands, trench coat cinched like he’s about to solve a mystery no one asked him to solve, clutching his prize like he’s just won a very niche, very questionable lottery.
Would I eat those mushrooms?
I would not.
Not because I lack adventure. Not because I don’t trust nature. But because Leroy once tried to turn a lampshade into soup and called it “conceptual cuisine.” That’s not a creature you follow into foraging decisions. That’s a creature you observe from a safe distance while holding a firmly sealed sandwich from a reputable source.
Still, you’ve got to admire the commitment. The sheer Leroy-ness.
The complete absence of self-preservation instincts.
Somewhere, deep down, Leroy believes he’s thriving.
And honestly?
He might be.
Just… not in a way that involves me eating anything he hands me.
