THE GREMLIN WINTER OLYMPICS 2026

OFFICIAL HANDBOOK: THE CONDENSED EDITION

For Those Who Care About the Details

A NOTE FROM THE COMMITTEE

This handbook began as standard Olympic guidelines.

It evolved into a record of unprecedented regulatory adaptation and the progressive realization that traditional sporting frameworks were... insufficient.

What follows is the official documentation of what actually happened, rule by rule, incident by incident, premium feature by premium feature.

— The Olympic Committee (still processing paperwork)

THE EVENTS (Abridged)

DAY 1: CURLING → HAIR CURLING

What Should Have Happened: Sliding stones across ice toward a target.

What Actually Happened: Maude performed full beauty routine on ice. Leg shaving (green flakes everywhere), mascara, hair styling. Emerged as Marilyn Monroe over mysteriously appearing air vent.

Ruling: Gold medal awarded. No one entirely sure what for.

Handbook Entry: "Curling refers exclusively to the sport involving stones and brooms. Beauty treatments are not curling. All curling events cancelled due to ice contamination (green flakes, beauty products, unidentified vent installation)."

DAY 2: ALPINE SKIING → ALPINE PEEING

The Problems: Gremlin sneezed into loudspeaker. It exploded. Gremlins heard "peeing."

What Actually Happened: Hydration strategy competition. Judging categories: Line Control, Commitment, Speed vs. Regret, Extent of Collateral Damage. Jazz band appeared (no one asked why).

Ruling: ALL SKIING EVENTS PERMANENTLY SUSPENDED.

Handbook Entry: "The term 'Skiing' will be reviewed re not being used in future event naming. Legal department is handling inquiries. Do not mention the jazz band."

DAY 3: BIATHLON → BI-A-THLON (THE RETAIL INCIDENT)

The Mishearing: Shopping expedition to Sport retail store called "BIATHLON – PERFORMANCE EQUIPMENT & ADVENTURE ACCESSORIES."

Key Moments:

George stuck to rotating display rack in complicated harness
Maude attempted rescue with shoehorn and feather boa
"IT'S A PREMIUM FEATURE!" (first use of phrase - no warning issued- this was an error)
Dennis constructed trebuchet, launched items into "Definitely Medical Supplies"
Professor Harrowgate temporarily misplaced, last seen as "human metronome"

Note: Medals Awarded:

🥇 Dennis: Advanced Improvised Larceny Engineering

🥈 Maude: Crisis Management Under Adhesive Conditions

🥉 George: Outstanding Commitment to Becoming Merchandise

Handbook Entry: "The Biathlon must be enunciated clearly. All shopping-based interpretations are forbidden. The store has been quarantined. George has been extracted. The Emotionally Supportive Lobster is now part of medical staff."

DAY 4: BOBSLEIGH → BOB SLAY

What Happened: Bob performed Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Roll" on electric guitar. Slayed it. With pyrotechnics. Screaming "BOB SLAY!"

Gremlin Wrangler Response: [brain buffers] [attempts to compute] ..... [fails] .... [eyelid flickers]

Handbook Entry: "Bobsleigh must be explained using visual aids and physical sleds. Musical performances, while impressive, do not constitute Olympic competition. The guitar riff was, admittedly, excellent."

DAY 5: CROSS COUNTRY SKIING → ICE DANCING (EMERGENCY REPLACEMENT)

Why: Proceeding with more skiing would be "potentially catastrophically detrimental" (legal notice re: Alpine Peeing litigation was posted explaining).

What Happened Instead: Gremlins performed viral dances on ice. Sequins, feathers, micro glitter, death metal figure skating, Carl turning scoreboard into chandelier.

Maude's Moment: THREE structurally impossible costumes featuring real fire on ice, three tiers of chandeliers, outrageous amount of feathers stolen from Iolanthe (AI-generated bird, "fine, legally speaking"). Further investigation to determine at which point "donation under duress" becomes "theft" pending.

Results: Physics filed restraining order. Fire marshal left country. Maude regrets nothing.

Handbook Entry: "Ice Dancing is now official event. Micro glitter is classified as controlled substance. Fire marshals should be notified in advance of Maude's participation. Structurally impossible costumes permitted provided they don't violate laws of physics more than once per performance. 'Catastrophic' is not acceptable chandelier count. Emotional Support Lobster has been assigned for Iolanthe pending mental health and wellbeing assessment."

Legal Disclaimer: Signed by Reginald P. Bananington III, Esq. "(Who definitely wrote this while covered in glitter and deeply regretting his life choices.)"

DAY 6: FIGURE SKATING → FIGURE STAKING

The Error: "Marginally dyslexic gremlin announcer who learned English exclusively through late-night casino documentaries."

What Happened: Ice rink converted to "statistically ambitious gambling lounge with decorative pirouettes." Card counting. Poker bets. Las Vegas croupier confirmation.

Learnings: The committee have accepted Prof. C. Harrowgates recommendation "to remain calm, trust the numbers, and accept that someone will eventually attempt to juggle flaming snow globes behind you." Seems legit.

Handbook Entry: "Figure Skating must be enunciated clearly with emphasis on SKATING not STAKING. All gambling activities prohibited. Card counting, while impressive, is not Olympic skill. Croupiers must be released immediately. Snow globes may not be juggled. Especially when aflame. The ferret's legal status remains unclear and is under review."

DAY 7: SKI JUMPING → SNOWFLAKE STACK ACTIVITY

Why: Another skiing event cancelled (Alpine Peeing legal proceedings).

What Happened: "Collaborative, non-competitive team-building exercise." Gremlins carefully stacked snowflakes. Bell gremlin smacked structure. Snowflakes DIDN'T FALL. Mogwai applauded.

Historic Achievement: First successful, litigation-free event.

Handbook Entry: "Snowflake Stack Activity is approved. No explosions occurred. No lawsuits filed. No geographical features were relocated. This is considered significant achievement."

DAY 8: LUGE → LOO (Event took place on Friday the 13th)

NOTE: "WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC"

What Dennis Did: Found discarded toilet in skip. Modified it with: removed ballcock, included C4 and jelly bean shrapnel in cistern, duct tape, rockets (origin: stolen possibly), fireworks (extremely patriotic for unclear reasons), wheels, timer counting down (to what? no one knows), possibly a fork.

Safety Features: "Duct tape."

Investigation: Despite Maude's intervention attempts, the following results were recorded with George as (involuntary) test subject:

Maximum speed: 167 mph (269 km/h)
Direction: Generally Stockholm
George's mental state: Deteriorating rapidly
Sound: "Existential screaming with intermittent explosions"

Disqualification Reasons: Rocket propulsion, explosive devices, projectile jelly beans, seated position (not supine), continuous screaming, possible international airspace violations.

Dennis's Response/Appeal request: "But we finished."

Aftermath: George found rocking and sobbing, repeating "cabbage" with increasing desperation. Emotionally Supportive Lobster deployed.

Handbook Entry: "LESSONS LEARNED: 1. Luge competitors must be breathalysed 2. Dennis banned from skips, dumpsters, refuse collection points 3. George provided restraining order (ineffective but exists) 4. C4 not appropriate Luge modification 5. Feelings are, in fact, real (Dennis remains unconvinced) 6. The Emotionally Supportive Lobster needs a raise 7. Stockholm has requested we never do this again."

Follow-up correspondence: Ongoing

DAY 9: SPEED SKATING → SPEED DATING

The Communication Chain: Message passed through "three layers of moss, a cracked soup can, and Wickett who vehemently believes vowels are optional."

What They Heard: "HIGH-SPEED... DATING... OPPORTUNITY."

Notable Information from the event: Kevin's Romance: Brought heroic turnip (size of his head, shaped like philosophical question), named it Gerald, polished with Vegemite, wrapped in half sock. Speed skater accepted turnip: "This is the most thoughtful vegetable anyone has ever given me." Kevin fainted (gremlin equivalent of poetry).

Current Status: Gerald lives on her windowsill in Oslo, "slightly nibbled but deeply respected." Kevin "taking things slow" = only sprinting emotionally on weekends.

Handbook Entry: "Speed Skating must be clearly differentiated from Speed Dating. Wickett's vowel-optional communication style is under review. Kevin's romantic success is acknowledged and celebrated. Gerald the Turnip is now part of Olympic history. Vegemite as polish not recommended but apparently effective in this instance."

DAY 10: SKI MOUNTAINEERING → SKI MOUNTAIN STEERING

What Dennis Heard: Need to STEER A MOUNTAIN. Hearing tests have been arranged. Luckily, no rearrangement of geology was actually achieved. Stockholm issued a formal warning.

Handbook Entry: "Ski Mountaineering means CLIMBING the mountain on SKIS, not STEERING it. Dennis attempted maritime rudder installation on geological formations. Maude stopped him. The mountain did not move. We consider this victory. Surfboards, of any colour, particularly pink with cartoon dolphins, are not appropriate equipment. Any attempt to involve such equipment will be met with disciplinary action. NOTE: The surfboard dolphin had Seen Things. The dolphin will never be the same. The Emotional Support Lobster is on standby"

DAY 11: FREESTYLE SKIING → ETHICAL TREBUCHETING (PREVENTED)

Suspension of Skiing Events lifted, due to the Instructional Designers having completed the updated training manuals for the sports. The gremlins and mogwai were trained fully.

Dennis's Proposal: "Enhanced Mogwai Aerodynamics: Phase IV"

Notes: ETHICS ZONE™ is not trademarked.

"It's a premium feature." is now branding, and available in the swag stores on assorted merchandise.

George's Location: Cardboard box behind equipment shed, clutching savoy cabbage named Betty offering "quiet, leafy solidarity." Emotional Support Lobster is demanding a raise.

Maude's Shutdown was recorded due to its resounding success in prevention of mogwai being used as high velocity projectiles: "You will NOT optimise airtime. You will NOT enhance parabola integrity. You will NOT. Launch. Anyone."

It was decided not to include Maude in the committee due to her own questionable and highly surreptitious behaviours, and the pending case being investigated in respect of Iolanthe.

Aftermath: Trebuchet dismantled. Cabbage returned to produce status after therapy session (two boxes Kleenex, KitKat were required. The handbook for the Emotional Support Lobster has been amended). Freestyle skiing proceeded normally. Dennis took notes "for completely unrelated and innocent reasons."

Handbook Entry: "Ethical Trebucheting is NOT recognized Olympic discipline. 'Yeet, But Tastefully' is not acceptable engineering terminology. The Ethics Zone™ trademark application has been denied. George has unlimited cabbage access and restraining order against Dennis (ineffective but exists). Betty the cabbage received commendation for emotional support services."

Notes: ETHICS ZONE™ is not trademarked.

DAY 12: SNOWBOARDING → SNOW HOARDING

What They Heard: "Snow Hoarding Competition"

Corporate Escalation: Licked ice to claim territory, tried to trademark "flake," vacuum-sealed snowballs "for resale in warmer climates," issued Snow Futures Contracts, audited flakes for purity. Built 9-foot defensive pyramid, igloo labeled "Corporate Headquarters," guarded with plastic forks yelling "BACK AWAY FROM OUR ASSETS!"

When Real Snowboarders Arrived: One gremlin demanded "flake licenses." Another tried to invoice the mountain.

Handbook Entry: "Snowboarding must be clearly differentiated from Snow Hoarding. Corporate terminology is banned from all future event descriptions. Prohibited terms include: acquisition, inventory, assets, futures contracts, strategic reserve, audit. Gremlins may not: claim territory through licking, establish Corporate Headquarters, invoice mountains, or inspect flake licenses. 'You're giving the snow back' is technically accurate critique but misses the point."

DAY 13: SHORT TRACK SPEED SKATING → SHORT SNACK SPEED BAKING

The Problem:

"PREHEATING IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT!"
gremlins launched batter across three lanes
Blowtorch was used "for efficiency"
No-bake strategy: Frozen jalapeño cookie - "It's reverse baked. Thermal minimalism."

Handbook Entry: "Short Track Speed Skating must be explained using culinary-free terminology. Preheating is not social construct. Thermal minimalism is not recognized technique. Rotational politics is not valid complaint. Earth's rotation will not be altered. Blowtorches may not be used in the arena. Speed snacking is not Olympic event. Ice rink resembling chocolate fondue indicates serious structural failure. Self-declared world champions are not recognized. We are tired."

DAY 14: SKELETON → (POSTPONED)

The Problem: Sport literally named after skeletons. Skeletons want NOTHING to do with it.

The complaint: "Why are we sliding face-first? We don't even have faces."

Training Attempt: One push-off: three ribs clattering into lane two, someone's femur made it halfway down before rest caught up. Officials: "creative disassembly." Skeletons: "learning experience."

They Now Prefer: Poker, driving Bedford vans with no wing mirrors, golf.

Dennis Has Ideas. (Reserved for Autumn Games 2029.)

Spectators: Cheer from stands, behind several layers of padding. Possibly bubble wrap.

Handbook Entry: "Skeleton event postponed indefinitely pending consultation with actual skeletons who expressed concerns about nominative determinism and 'creative disassembly.' Event will be reconsidered for Autumn Games 2029 when Dennis's 'ideas' can be properly reviewed, heavily regulated, and possibly prevented entirely."

DAY 15: NORDIC COMBINED → SCANDINAVIAN COSPLAY OLYMPICS

What Gremlins Heard: "Nordic Challenge" = Viking stuff, IKEA, Saunas.

Their Preparation (NOT ONE had skis):

Punk: Crocheted Viking helmet with horns, knitted beard, saucepan underneath for "structural integrity"
Stripe: Seven candles, Swedish Fish candy, "Nordic spiritual energy"
George: Norwegian sweater (three sizes too large), map, visible regret
Dennis: Sauna blueprints, timber, heating element (humming ominously), concerning electrical cable
Daffy: Foam Viking sword (dual-wielding with shield)
Allan: IKEA BILLY instruction manual (sacred text)
Maude: Crimson cape perfectly draped, crown braid belonging in Valhalla
Carl: Tree now has RUNES. Buzzworth wearing tiny Viking helmet.
Kevin: Homemade Swedish meatballs (up since 4 AM), increasing confusion

The Events Created:
Phase 1: IKEA Incident
Phase 2: Dennis's Sauna
Phase 3: Lutefisk Mystery
Phase 4: Viking Combat
Phase 5: Meatball Diplomacy
Phase 6: Wickett Actually Competes

Handbook Entry: "Nordic Challenge clarified: means CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING, not 'anything vaguely Scandinavian.' Wickett only one who skied. We are Very Tired. Dennis's sauna remains operational (concerning). Lutefisk achieved permanent status. We don't know how it appeared or why, but it's here now and we're too tired to fight it. Kevin's meatballs excellent. Recipe has been requested. Official record. Renaming of the sport to be considered to avoid cultural misinterpretation. Dennis banned from building ANY structures. Sauna STILL STEAMING. Habanero is not temperature scale. Stockholm were furious."

DAY 16: ICE HOCKEY → EYES HOCKEY (FORBIDDEN)

Wrangler Response: Oh No. No no. Don't even think about it. Absolutely Not. NOPE. It's ICE. Not EYES. ICE. Good Grief.

Said "NO" in 17 Languages: English, Spanish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Dutch, Russian, Japanese, Korean, Mandarin Chinese, Hindi, Arabic, Turkish, Vietnamese, Swahili, Tagalog.

"Strewth." was included as part of the official record.

Result: Gremlins were shooed away to watch Slapshot in the absence of a copy of Snow White.

Photographic Evidence Exists: Giant eyeball pucks (one blue eye, one green eye, both bloodshot). Full hockey gear. Red vs blue teams.

The Chairman of the Olympic Committee (Kentucky) has officially stated that This Event DID NOT HAPPEN (OFFICIALLY).

Gremlins put under house arrest to prevent further body part-related incidents.

Handbook Entry: "Ice Hockey remains Ice Hockey. There is no event called Eyes Hockey. There will never be an event called Eye Hockey. Eyeball pucks are FORBIDDEN. The photographic evidence is NOT DISCUSSED and the records have been sealed. The gremlins have been shown Slapshot on repeat. Gremlin Wranglers de-escalation tactics appeared to be successful. Note was made of the "No". In seventeen languages. We felt this was comprehensive."

CLOSING CEREMONY: DENNY'S PARKING LOT (3:00 AM)

The Gremlins Were Not Invited To The Official Ceremony.

In relation to previous accusations/pending lawsuits regarding "structural damage," "unauthorized saunas," "lutefisk incident". This list is not exhaustive.

Held Instead: 3:00 AM, Denny's parking lot. One flickering streetlamp, curbs for seating, shopping cart podium.

George as Director: Wore seventeen self-made medals (bottle caps, jam jar lids, mattress tags, shower curtain ring, Oslo keychain, washer, crocheted medals, shellacked chocolate coin, button, soda can tab painted gold). All hung on shoelaces, string, possibly dental floss.

Handbook Entry: "Denny's have filed a request that their parking lots be removed from the list of locations for impromptu gremlin celebrations at any time, but particularly not at 3am. This request, along with accompanying footage from security cameras, is being reviewed by Legal."

APPENDIX: ESSENTIAL REGULATIONS

DENNIS IS BANNED FROM:

Skips, dumpsters, C4, explosives, jelly beans (as shrapnel), duct tape (as primary structure), rubber bands (for propulsion), ukuleles (disassembly), surfboards (especially near mountains), maritime rudders, pulleys, industrial fans, heating elements that hum, blowtorches, bottle rockets, rugby goalposts, trebuchets, catapults, siege equipment, launching anyone, building structures (especially saunas), modifying equipment with explosives, installing vents in ice, steering geographical features, "what if we just," Phase IV projects, jalapeño voltage.

JUSTIFICATIONS NOT ACCEPTED:

"For science," "It's a premium feature," "Not with that attitude," "It already works," "Heritage engineering," "Physics expressing itself confidently," "Recreational recovery," "Dynamic steering adjustment," "Optimal protein delivery," "Resonant frequency is normal"

MAUDE REQUIREMENTS:

Fire marshal notification, structural engineering consultation for costumes, acknowledgment that reality may temporarily adjust, extra micro glitter cleanup budget, Emotional Support Lobster and physics department to be on standby at all times, feather negotiations with Iolanthe (AI-generated bird, legally questionable) must be supervised.

MAUDE'S OFFICIAL DESIGNATIONS:

Breaker of Themes, Wearer of Things No One Asked For, She Who Arrived Overdressed for Glory, The Inevitable.

THE LUTEFISK INCIDENT:

Status: UNEXPLAINED Theories: Supernatural origin, Norwegian curse, somehow Dennis's fault, acceptance Current Approach: Acceptance Official Designation: Unexplained/10 Investigation: Technically ongoing, practically abandoned

Note: This list is incomplete.

CLOSING REMARKS

What began as standard sporting competition evolved into: mythology-making, unauthorized sauna construction, cultural festivals, retail shopping adventures, romantic vegetable exchanges, Viking cosplay, corporate snow hoarding, speed baking competitions, and one unexplained lutefisk.

We would like to state, for the record, that this was avoidable.

Lessons Learned:

Clarity in communication is essential
Vowels are not optional (Wickett)
Dennis will Always Find a Way
Maude will Always Make it Fabulous
George will suffer but survive. His fur is made of Teflon, possibly.
Kevin's meatballs unite nations
Premium features are rarely premium
"Not with that attitude" enables chaos
Duct tape is not a replacement for sound structural engineering
Straighten your Crown, especially when it's heavy
Reality is negotiable if you're Maude

For Future Games:

Hire more translators
Provide visual aids for all events
Ban corporate terminology
Increase cabbage budget
Pre-approve all Dennis projects (then deny them)
Accept that some things (fjords, lutefisk, Dennis's sauna) are now permanent

Final Note:

These were not the Olympics we planned. But they were the Olympics we needed.

Somewhere between the explosive toilet and the Swedish meatballs, between the Viking cosplay and the speed dating, between the structurally impossible costumes and the geometrically impossible furniture...

We learned that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is show up overdressed, and determined for glory. That magnificence is a choice. Your gremlins don’t go away. But you can lead them.

And we learned that seventeen self-made medals on dental floss, awarded in a Denny's parking lot at 3:00 AM, can be more meaningful than any official ceremony.

Because in the end, it wasn't about the medals.

It was about standing straight, walking tall, and straightening your damn crown.

Even when—especially when—it's heavy.

Superhero Pose Optional.

Approved by: The Olympic Committee (still processing paperwork, still very tired, but somehow inspired)

The Gremlin Wrangler (who said "No" in seventeen languages)

Future Events

This handbook will be updated for Spring Games 2027, Summer Olympics 2028, and Autumn Games 2029.

Dennis's skeleton ideas are reserved for Autumn 2029.

We're already afraid.

👑⚔️🔥

Olympic Handbook - Updated 2026